What Being Told I Was Wrong Taught Me

A little girl had a creative mind, she wanted to entertain people, she liked making people laugh and feel happy. She loved acting, reading, drawing, she would often be in her own little world of make believe, daydreaming.

She skipped instead of walked, sang to herself often, was friends with everyone, talked too much.

This little girl had a curious mind, she was fascinated by how things worked, why they were the way they were, she liked to know what made people laugh and what made them sad. 

So she couldn’t understand why people got mad with her. At primary school she was told to stop being so loud, stop talking, stop being silly, stop skipping and walk, stop singing, stop daydreaming.

She was told she wasn’t trying hard enough.

At secondary school it just got worse. Teachers would say you have so much potential if only you applied yourself, you will not pass your GCSE’s, you don’t care about your education, you won’t achieve anything unless you buckle down. One teacher even suggested she needed to be locked in her bedroom and made to do the work as there was no other way. 

In class she was sent out and made to sit in isolation, missing most of the lessons, she was given detention for not completing homework, given lines for disrupting the class, given report cards for being late, and threatened with suspension if she didn’t improve.

She was praised for her performing, sports, art - these were things that she was told she did right but this stuff didn’t matter, it wasn't as important as a proper education. Everything else she did wrong. She was wrong.

At home she was wrong, why are you like this they said? Why can’t you listen. Why can’t you just do the work, why is it so hard.

Again she was praised for attending clubs, winning races, performing in shows, playing instruments, this was when she was good, worthy.

So eventually she was given freedom, she had learnt by now there wasn’t much point trying at college as it was so hard and no one really believed in her, she did the bear minimum to get by as she wanted to be good, she wanted to make people pleased with her, she wanted to be accepted. But she didn’t try as there wasn’t much point being told she was wrong, she might as well just conform to the story she had been told.

At university she found the freedom overwhelming, it crippled her - she stopped going to lectures, she didn’t do her coursework, she nearly blew it all, but that little voice that told her to be a good girl and try harder was still there. The threat of disappointment so visceral she could feel it, it was the sting in the tail that kept her showing up just enough to get by.

She had a rude awakening when she almost failed her second year, and decided to do what she had been told - buckle down, and she did, she went to the lecturers for extra help and they sent her away to just learn it, try harder, so she did, the outcome was a 2.1 in psychology and marketing, the physical and mental outcome however set her on a different path, one where she learnt the cost of trying to be like everyone else.

The story doesn’t get better until many years later. For a long time she was doing well in jobs where she was constantly made to feel like she had to fit in, do it the right way, anytime she tried to disrupt the status quo she was punished, told she was wrong, that’s not how its done, people don’t like it when you challenge the norm it turns out. So she learnt how to do it like everyone else, deep down she felt cheated, she knew there was another way and yet no one wanted to listen to her. 

She decided to be a good employee to work harder but not outshine, give more but don’t talk about it, be pretty for men but not too attractive, dress for success but not flashy, be ambitious but humble, be driven but supportive, be hard but never aggressive, be driven but not want too much.

And yet it still wasn’t right, no matter how hard she tried she kept getting it wrong.

The reviews were never about her ability or effort now, quite the opposite, now she was too much but also not of the right stuff.

It was so confusing. What was she doing so wrong.

At last she realised, it wasn’t about her, she was just in the wrong places.

It took a long time for her to understand people didn’t want to understand her, they just wanted her to fit their path, not to challenge it. They wanted her to be her until they didn’t, until it was too messy, too much effort, too truthful, too triggering for them.

She realised being herself can’t be wrong for everyone, just the wrong people. She realised the resilience she had to keep going in spite of being told she was wrong, she had to learn some amazing skills, she learnt how to manage her brand (her own image), she learnt how to get people to listen to her, she learnt how to present information in a way that others would understand, she learnt how learn new things when people didn't show her in a way she understood, she learnt to see other people and be the person people could connect with, the champion for the misunderstood.

She learnt how to advocate for herself, how to support herself, be her own number one fan, believe in herself.

Then she discovered she got to decide what she did and how she did it, who she took with her, suddenly being herself started to feel safer, okay.

She realised there were other people who felt like her too. That there were people who might not have realised yet that they can be safe too, that might need her help to show them its okay to yourself, even if people have told you you are wrong. That when you take back control of your life and start to surround yourself with good people who don’t tell you you’re wrong, who do believe in you, good environments, supportive networks, better systems, the right information, then you can be yourself and feel good.

That you get to decide all of this. You get to choose how you live your life and what is right.

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This she realised is her superpower. Being told she is wrong so many times and then doing the work and really starting to see how amazing she is, changing her life, believing in herself and doing it her own way, means she knows how to help other people who feel that way to believe in themselves, to channel their own courage, to create their own safety, and feel good about who they are and what they want.

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I’m sure you know by now that she is me, and I channel my energy now into helping other people feel right about themselves, I spend much less time on what other people think of me and my work and much more time asking ‘how can I better help people just like me to feel good about themselves’ this is my superpower.

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